Suck it up and breathe.

Honestly, I hate it when my family tells me to stop whining and do what I'm supposed to do.
It's as if I'm not allowed to cry. Not allowed to fight back. Not allowed to yell. Not allowed to be me.
And the thing is, when I'm angry, it's as if I can't breathe. It's just too hard. My head hurts and I try to calm myself.
Sometimes, it's easier to calm myself by not breathing.

How do you guys calm yourselves when you're angry?

Three Crushes

Yes. I do have three crushes. And I am probably dying here.

First crush: I had a crush on him for years. He's nice, and I think he has feelings for me, too. But I don't see him that much, and he's four years older than me. And he did break my heart before. And yet I still had feelings for him, though I convinced myself not.
Second crush: I'm pretty sure he had a crush on me since I was seven, while I had a crush on Person #1. xD But the thing is, only recently did I begin to like him back. My brother found out, and I thought that he did for a while now. But we don't know for sure. I don't want to ask him about it, because one wrong word can break someone's heart.
Third crush: Someone I met recently. Not much of a story here. And it's not strong feelings, so yeah. :P

If you want to know my actual horrible love story, just comment and ask! 

A bit of truth from me.

Honestly, I don't want to bring back the anger and sadness to NaNo, which is why I'm posting it here.
For all my life, at least since I started lying, I put a barrier around myself. It blocked out all the emotions around me so that I don't feel devastated. But it also worked from the inside, too. I wouldn't show any emotion except my anger, which was too hot to keep in. If I kept it in, I would burst. And I would never burst. I told myself to never, ever, burst.
So that's why people thought--think--of me as a terrible, short-tempered girl. I kept in all my other emotions. I wouldn't let anyone in, I wouldn't let myself fall.
But I had been falling the whole time.

My barrier's been breaking ever since November. I let all you Wrimos into my heart and into my life.
Did I ever stop lying?
No.
Some simple things I lied to you about, because I was so embarrassed. I lied. I lied. And lied. All those lies kept on growing together.  I didn't want people to think I was the dumbest person in the world.
I didn't want my new friends to think I was terrible.
I never wanted to lie. It just came out. I know I am terrible. But, as said in "Rise of the Guardians" by Jack Frost, I don't know my center.
Am I truly a bad person? Or am I one of those good people?
I have no idea.
And I feel as if you guys barely know me.

And recently, I knew my barrier was breaking. I knew that there would be no denying my life anymore. I knew that I had to come back to home, and my family. I was telling everyone that "I was coming back to real life."
But honestly, it's breaking me.
Not my barrier, it's breaking me. I feel like I'm dying. I'm still lying, I'm still pretending...
I don't know what's going on.
I've been lost for so long. I separated myself from my own family. And now I don't know how to come back.
I tried talking to my mom, I tried going on walks with my brother, I tried playing video games with my other brothers, I tried spending little girl time with my sister, but nothing is working.
It feels as if no one trusts me anymore.
But they have a good point to.
But every time I lie, I feel guilty. Does that mean I'm a good person?
Not if I keep on lying.

So here I am. Trying to redeem myself. I don't care.
I'm going to come back to the real world.
The internet will be a dream that I'll continue to visit.
And all my friends here can be fiction characters. Well, not real ones. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Okay, fine, not fiction characters. Except for Lem, of course. She's always fictional.

I just hope that you guys know that I'm not giving up, so you shouldn't, either.