Suck it up and breathe.

Honestly, I hate it when my family tells me to stop whining and do what I'm supposed to do.
It's as if I'm not allowed to cry. Not allowed to fight back. Not allowed to yell. Not allowed to be me.
And the thing is, when I'm angry, it's as if I can't breathe. It's just too hard. My head hurts and I try to calm myself.
Sometimes, it's easier to calm myself by not breathing.

How do you guys calm yourselves when you're angry?

Three Crushes

Yes. I do have three crushes. And I am probably dying here.

First crush: I had a crush on him for years. He's nice, and I think he has feelings for me, too. But I don't see him that much, and he's four years older than me. And he did break my heart before. And yet I still had feelings for him, though I convinced myself not.
Second crush: I'm pretty sure he had a crush on me since I was seven, while I had a crush on Person #1. xD But the thing is, only recently did I begin to like him back. My brother found out, and I thought that he did for a while now. But we don't know for sure. I don't want to ask him about it, because one wrong word can break someone's heart.
Third crush: Someone I met recently. Not much of a story here. And it's not strong feelings, so yeah. :P

If you want to know my actual horrible love story, just comment and ask! 

A bit of truth from me.

Honestly, I don't want to bring back the anger and sadness to NaNo, which is why I'm posting it here.
For all my life, at least since I started lying, I put a barrier around myself. It blocked out all the emotions around me so that I don't feel devastated. But it also worked from the inside, too. I wouldn't show any emotion except my anger, which was too hot to keep in. If I kept it in, I would burst. And I would never burst. I told myself to never, ever, burst.
So that's why people thought--think--of me as a terrible, short-tempered girl. I kept in all my other emotions. I wouldn't let anyone in, I wouldn't let myself fall.
But I had been falling the whole time.

My barrier's been breaking ever since November. I let all you Wrimos into my heart and into my life.
Did I ever stop lying?
No.
Some simple things I lied to you about, because I was so embarrassed. I lied. I lied. And lied. All those lies kept on growing together.  I didn't want people to think I was the dumbest person in the world.
I didn't want my new friends to think I was terrible.
I never wanted to lie. It just came out. I know I am terrible. But, as said in "Rise of the Guardians" by Jack Frost, I don't know my center.
Am I truly a bad person? Or am I one of those good people?
I have no idea.
And I feel as if you guys barely know me.

And recently, I knew my barrier was breaking. I knew that there would be no denying my life anymore. I knew that I had to come back to home, and my family. I was telling everyone that "I was coming back to real life."
But honestly, it's breaking me.
Not my barrier, it's breaking me. I feel like I'm dying. I'm still lying, I'm still pretending...
I don't know what's going on.
I've been lost for so long. I separated myself from my own family. And now I don't know how to come back.
I tried talking to my mom, I tried going on walks with my brother, I tried playing video games with my other brothers, I tried spending little girl time with my sister, but nothing is working.
It feels as if no one trusts me anymore.
But they have a good point to.
But every time I lie, I feel guilty. Does that mean I'm a good person?
Not if I keep on lying.

So here I am. Trying to redeem myself. I don't care.
I'm going to come back to the real world.
The internet will be a dream that I'll continue to visit.
And all my friends here can be fiction characters. Well, not real ones. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Okay, fine, not fiction characters. Except for Lem, of course. She's always fictional.

I just hope that you guys know that I'm not giving up, so you shouldn't, either.

An Abyss (one of my poems)

Something broken.

Something undone.

Something wrong.

Something dying.

It all is so different.

I just want to run.

Run and go.

To a different place.

And not fall

In an abyss.

 

Someone loud.

Someone laughing.

Someone crying.

Someone moving.

Images swim in my head.

I think I’m going mad.

So I have to go.

To a different place.

Don’t keep me here.

In an abyss.

 

Somewhere dark.

Somewhere calling.

Somewhere lost.

Somewhere falling.

Stumbling around, crying.

It’s all an illusion, I’m told.

But they were a lie.

So I’m leaving.

To a different place.

Unknowingly

To an abyss.

Fantasies are lies.

Fantasies are realities.

Yet realities are fantasy.

And reality’s a lie.

If pushed in dark murky water,

You will drown.

Yes, drown.

In darkness.

In sadness.

In a void.

Without anyone

To be with.

Remember your past.

Live in the present.

Run to the future.

Don’t live

In an abyss.

Can we just take a moment to really appreciate something?

*coughcough*This whole thing is not by me. It is by a Wrimo, flying_cipmunk *coughcough*

Life is awesome.

Seriously guys, hear me out. I'm sure you've heard this before, and I know some of you are thinking "no it isn't, my life sucks right now!", but let me explain.

Believe me, I've had tough stuff too, but overall, life is awesome. I've seen a lot of threads about things that aren't going so smoothly lately. Or even things that going like an old Jeep headed down an unpaved mountain -- doing 60. But I urge you all, don't let that stuff get to you. Think about the awesome stuff (I'm using that word way too much. I need adjectives!). There's some of it every day. Like eating cookies or reading an amazing book or playing with a baby or listening to an epic movie soundtrack that gets your heart pumping. Or watching a new episode of your favorite TV show or dancing around he house singing Disney songs at the top of your lungs because no one's home or whatever floats your personal little boat. :)

It seems like there are a lot of amazingly encouraging people on these forums, who write some beautiful, moving things. I don't know if I measure up, but I just wanted to give everybody a little extra boost -- it seems like a lot of you are struggling, and I hurt for you!

And because I'm on a total LotR kick right now (*looks at siggy*), I'll close this off with some lovely words from Haldir:
 "The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater."

:D

Daydreams and Prose

Daydreams. I love them, yet despise them. Why? I love them because they are such an escape. I would love to just relax and do nothing for the whole day. And that's why I don't like them. I am trying my best to be a hardworking daughter, but it seems like one of the most impossible things to do.

The thing is, even the youngest of us all can do out best. But day dreams can distract us. And they aren't exactly the best when you're auditioning for a play, or when you're applying for a new job. They just show that you have a short attention span, perhaps boredom in the conversation, or even worse, a disinterest in the person who is talking to you.

But, in fact, that isn't happening. In your head, there's a magical creature talking to you. A piano playing. A lake shimmering. And it is so beautiful, so captivating....

Am I making you daydream now?

Poetry, prose, music, and so many other things can either bring back a memory or make you daydream. And sometimes, we truly do want those daydreams to come. Maybe because we're hurt, or we're sad, or.....

See? Prose. I love writing it, you love reading it.

I'm sorry to cut this short, but I will. Because I do think I kept you from doing something important.

Things are changing...

...I feel as if I'm growing up.

Now don't get me wrong, I did say before that I felt over-mature, but now I feel more older.

The thing is, I love NaNoLand and the internet. But I don't want to depend on it. I already depend too much on music. Today, I played outside with my friends, and I had a flashback of my entire life.

I miss it. Being that little girl who told her parents everything, being that girl who didn't fight with her brothers too much, that little girl who loved her little sister and cried when she cried. I really do.

But apparently, I have to grow up. Be a woman who I probably don't want to be now. Maybe, when I get older, I will look back at this blog, and laugh. Maybe. I doubt it.

Well, I would post more about it, but not now. :)

~Emily Z.